Mandelson's book so far

Picture: Mandelson slimed by Alien. He's looking at the dead bodies of Alien and Predator on the ground.

I'm way behind on my list of things to read and I know everyone ever has already aired their thoughts on this book, so of course there is no reason for me to follow suit. But I'm not a reasonable man. I'm so unreasonable in fact that I haven't even finished the book yet, and I'm going to do it anyway. Just watch me.

The Third Man is Mandelson's tribute to himself. It opens with "I am the alpha and the omega, the first the last, the beginning and the end". Oh no that's the Book of Revelation, not The Third Man. The Third Man actually opens with this: "I embody New Labour". So, easy mistake to make.

The history of New Labour is interesting, but told from Mandy's point of view it can be a bit excrutiating. Mandy Pandy's account of the party's rise goes a little like this: "I came up with the idea to modernise the party because I was the only one that noticed we were losing elections again and again. I used my position to open the eyes of the ignorant who had at first been unaware that our popularity had been on the slide since the 1970s. They soon came round to my way of thinking when they noticed how much wiser I was than them. I discovered Gordon and Tony in a little corner in the House and was the only reason they were able to work together. I designated them as the ones to carry out my work here on earth after my ascension into heaven."

Basically, Mandelson views himself as the man at the top of the pile. He is the fella with the glint in his eyes and the fingers in the pies. He even came up with 'tough on crime, tough on the cause of crime' about a decade before Blair did, don't you know?

But not only was he the only man that could make a Blair-Brown partnership workable, he could also predict the future. Here are some excerpts from his diary, which was definitely written in the early 80s:

• On Neil Kinnock: "The likelihood is that he will be the leader that restored and rebuilt the Labour Party but who could not clinch victory".


• On his role: "My role is revolving around the strong future leaders - Gordon Brown and Tony Blair".

As you can see the Mandible Claw is Nostradamus too. Shame he couldn't predict John Smith's heart attack (RIP). That probably would have saved him a lot of trouble later on when he single-handedly had to manage the fractious Brown-Blair nucleus of New Labour and heroically pull it from the jaws of death in the Alien vs Predator vs Mandelson chapter.

In conclusion, from what I know about New Labour, Mandelson was pretty important, but not as much as this sordid jizz-cloth makes out. This book may be a little bit too self-serving for me. From what I've read before, others were involved in the creation of New Labour too. Gouldy, Beckett etc etc. Well not according to this, you see they were only there because He-Mandelson allowed them to be.

He refers to Blair, Brown and himself as the 'three musketeers' on multiple occasions. Too many occasions actually. Well if that's true mate then you're D'Artagnan!!!!!!!!!! ZING!!!!!!!!!!??!!!!!????!!!!!

On the other hand this book is very readable. And I'm only on about page 4 out of 600 or something so will update you when I've read a little bit more. Right now though, I just don't like his tone.