The football league is upon us again, and as is the tradition, so is Piers Morgan's sports column. I've been raging about his drivel for ages, but a piece in the Eye last week, as well as Piers' own invitation at the bottom of his page for me to 'have my say' has prompted me to do something about it. Rather than just call him a cunt though, I'm going to do him a justice and intrinsically pick apart what he actually writes.
This week's offering is a list of predictions. First up, "Manchester United will miss out on a top-four position for the first time in decades." I guess you're not counting 1991 then Pearce? 19 years ago. 'Decades' by definition would be 20 years at the very least but never mind. Never mind. Actually that's veering from the point, there is absolutely nothing to suggest that United have in any way been weakened. You're just saying it for the shock effect aren't you? That's all you ever do isn't it?
Who's going to win then? "I can't look further than Chelsea". Why? "They have the biggest squad". No they don't that's Manchester City. And you are now restricted to a 25 man squad no matter what. Next. "They are stronger than Manchester United". Maybe, but in light of this I'm ashamed to say I took a small amount of pleasure in the Charity Shield result only hours after this sorry column went to press.
Anything else? "Real Madrid will win the Champions League". Oooh controversial as always Peers, why do you say that? Because Mourinho is shaking things up by shipping out Raul, a "creaking old showboater". Yeah I suppose he is only the all time top goalscorer for both Real Madrid and Spain. And the all-time leading goalscorer in the Champions' League, so yeah he probably won't be much use there. Show some respect you utter utter prat.
Not to worry though, because the article is laced with Pierce's trademark shit humour. Take for instance, a few joke predictions: Sol Campbell will explode because he's so fat!!!! David Beckham will sign for Gillingham!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anderson and Michael Schumacher will have a car crash!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so sorry you will have to excuse me, for I believe my sides have split. If that wasn't hillarious enough for you though, you can just laugh at the great big bollocking hulk of crap he gets paid to write every Sunday.
'Piers Morgan, Sport's most controversial columnist' the banner at the top of the page proudly proclaims. More like most cuntroversial. I said I wouldn't do it...
UPDATE: this has been emailed to Piers. Definitely definitely expect a reply soon. If not I'll just make one up if only to entertain myself.